Protected: Confusion, Contradiction or Overthinking

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Protected: Instinct, Senses and Decision

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What Do You Mean When You Say Goodbye?

I first wrote this post on 4th March 2014. However, my apologies because I couldn’t remember why I did not publish it two years ago. The worst part is, I even forgotten who is the ex-best friend I was writing about until I finished reading the entire post, sat and pondered for a few minutes. That’s how much I have forgotten about this person.

The strangest feeling came to me when I read the only question highlighted in orange and the answer which came to my mind as of 6th February 2016 was:

There isn’t any at the moment. 

I surprised myself very much today when I read my answer two years ago. Two years later, I can’t even remember you anymore? What happened to me? Maybe it wasn’t just you who didn’t treasure our friendship, but it was me as well who did not treasure our friendship because I let my ego go all the way out. But you know what, I am glad that my ego came in place. With the utmost and greatest gratitude to my ego all these years, I realized what a shitty person and friend you were. However, I haven’t changed my mind about wishing you all the best. In fact, when I thought about you, I still hope you will always be happy and that you will appreciate your current love which you’ve sacrificed so much for.

Take care my ex-best friend! I hope I don’t find another unpublished post about you in my drafts anymore =P…


4th March 2014

This post is inspired by a WhatsApp conversation long ago (Which I did not notice thus no reply!) and I happen to see it today as I was clearing my inbox:

If you had a chance, which broken friendship in your life would you choose to repair?

Instantly, this one ex-best friend came to my mind and I actually almost teared but I did not *Pats self for being strong*. This person and I were only friends for a few months before we said goodbye to one another. Little did I realize, that was the final goodbye because after that, it all ends with good morning.

Our friendship was beautiful if played backwards from this point. But in life, it is only the forward option that we have. Tonight, I thought about you and the friendship that we used to share. You humiliated me in public not just once, but twice and yet, I still find warmth in my heart to forgive you.

I surprise myself because normally, I wouldn’t forgive but to you, no matter how angry I am with you, I would remember how your phone calls without her by your side sounded so friendly and welcoming. People whom I talk to back then told me this is love but to me, this isn’t love because we wouldn’t fight for anything just to have each other’s friendship again.

Maybe we felt that whatever happened, we are still friends even if we can’t be best friends but to me, it has ended and nothing you do can revive it again. You don’t even remember what we said to each other and this says a lot. I have been at the disappointing end for such a long time and when I moved on two years ago, it is one of the best feeling and decision ever.

Right now, I would only wish you well, that you receive only the very best and true happiness in your life even though we are no longer friends.

Protected: Months Later…

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Love or Infatuation

I shouldn’t have clicked on it. Now, I am looking at your picture and all the more I felt like we are meant to be. Like, YOU AND I TOGETHER AND WE ARE MEANT TO BE FOR NOW – why wouldn’t everyone else think so too? Why are people telling me that this is just an infatuation? Why?

I really like you but I know sooner or later, I might fall out of love with you so perhaps this is just an infatuation? But how is it that my heart says it’s love? I picture us being together, going everywhere together and we will definitely look so good together. I know people would love you but they think that we are not good for each other.

Is this another Romeo and Juliet love story? Is this another heartbreak that I have to go through? Do I really walk away from you? Should I just discard your picture when all I want is just to have you, to be yours and you to be mine. I really am crazy right now.

My heart says drop everything and go for it but my brain says you cannot handle my fickleness and I wouldn’t be loyal. How do we go about this? How can we be together? I need faith and strength to go through this. I will be crazier [Because I am already crazy] anytime soon if I don’t decide. What if you are not mine? What if you are meant to be with someone else? I don’t know how you feel towards me so please, let me know soon. Give me a sign or a hint, I promise to look out for it.

Ah… What do I do now to be yours?



Protected: I Thought About You

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The Crush

I watched one episode of my favourite show and the cast were all talking about crush. It is about the most painful moment one has to go through during a crush in teenage years. When the topic came up, I was thinking to myself:

Crush? Teenager? Uhh… Who was it? 

To whoever it is, so sorry but I have really forgotten about you hahaha! Teenage years seem so far away now. Just when one of the casts said when a crush turned into a real relationship, it may not necessarily be the best experience. I laughed loudly but never put any thought into it. I felt that it made sense though! After the show ended, I went to bed and I begin thinking about it. Crush? Who? When? Where? How? What was the most painful experience for me? And guess what, this was the first thing that came to my mind:

Good to know all of these people punya true colours. 

Sounded pretty over positive and cold-hearted of me but I wanted to blog about this so that I will always remember it in years to come. Oh forgot to mention that one of the casts said that he really loves his first crush. All I could think about when he said that is:

I love myself the most. 

Ah self-obsession hahahahahaha! Anyway, after some time, I thought about Charles [Not his real name] back in 2008. Now that I can think better and clearer [Or so I think], he is really realistic and cold-hearted. Well, I still hope that you will always be happy wherever and whoever you are with despite our more than complicated ‘friendship’.

Anyway, the show ended with the answer – being left to wait on him/her. Come to think about it, that’s pretty true. Well, I think it is always better to draw a clear line. At least, that person gets to move forward in life. I think this make sense [Or so I think, again] as it is always happier [In a way] to know where you stand in that person’s life rather than guessing, hoping and going through all the what ifs.

Reminder to self: If a crush ever happens after so many years again, put on your spectacles and take a clearer look. Chances are, you could see how the ending is like before you would even need to take a/an (un)necessary walk down the road. People do not change, even if they do, it’s probably always for the worst. And do not expect anything from anyone at all.