Category Archives: Unsaid Feelings

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The Late Apology

In 2010, I never knew that four years later I would receive an apology from the said person I wrote about in this post [Click here]. I still remember that day clearly as if it was all yesterday. And I even remembered that two years later in 2012, we met each other face to face, eye to eye but we walked away [I have documented it down here]. Sometimes when I happened to walk past the bookstore where we accidentally met each other, I would remember the shock look on his face. So it seems like he didn’t leave my life after all wtf hahaha. How impressive. If only I actually did remember my school notes this well, I am pretty sure I would have gotten all As.

However, four years past 2010, I received a happy birthday message from him on Facebook. To be honest, I was surprised and with utmost sincerity, I hoped that he didn’t wish me wtf. I hope that he didn’t wish me so that I wouldn’t need to be polite and say thank you. Actually, I have no idea why was I being polite to him anyway when he wasn’t polite to me at all wtf. Oh I remember. I didn’t want to be rude like him for now wtf.

Twelve hours past the birthday wish, he sent me this message which I then forwarded to anyone who knew about this story:

It’s..probably way too late, but I’m really sorry for what happened a few years back. That was really immature of me. 😕

So you tahu way too late also la. Anyway, I gracefully ignored the message because this is what you do to redundant messages received from strangers [You know how some people don’t answer calls from unknown numbers. Yea, just like that.]. To me, it is a late apology and no longer that much about forgiveness. You have hurt someone deeply and if you think an apology is enough, you must be kidding yourself. Anyway, I am pretty sure that he isn’t looking for forgiveness but just want to be guilt-free wtf. I am not looking forward to more apologies or whatever to mend the friendship again because, we can’t stay as friends anymore for now.

I am writing this to remind myself that though I don’t feel the hurt and pain anymore, but I knew that I was being disrespected and betrayed back then. Even seven years later at this moment, I still stand by every single word I have written in all the posts about him. If you wonder why am I inspired to write this today, here’s why:

I clicked on a video shared by a friend on Facebook about love languages. On the video it says must watch before you break up wtf.

So I thought I would watch it and reevaluate my past relationships one by one and see if we should break up or walk away back then wtf. I was also trying to see if I regretted any of my decisions made back then wtf.

I am sure you know my answer if you know me well enough. The answer is of course… NO for now! Are you crazy?! The reason why I ditched those fuckers is because they are all useless for now wtf. 

Anyway, when I first thought about him along my trail of thoughts, I remembered the look on his face when he pressed for a queue number in TM Point and he sighed loudly when he saw that the number was a combination of his so-called-love-him-very-much ex girlfriend’s birthday date and month. Then I remembered how I caught him lying and how betrayed and cheated I felt. I surprised myself actually when I read the post in 2012 that I remembered the nice memories about the both of us when I first saw him wtf. Years later, I guess the memory cover picture changed wtf.

Today, I don’t think it is a waste that we are no longer friends for now because looking back seven years later, our ‘friendship’ was a one way traffic all the time. It was just me listening to you, comforting you and telling you that everything is going to be okay. On the other hand, I received nothing but lies, betrayal, sadness, humiliation, hurt and pain. Just so you know, traffic is always two ways.

Seven years down the road, I want to thank my still best friend for now, Melissa Khoo for advising me to send the blog link to him. Thank you for the encouragement and courage! Quote Melissa back in 2010:

Just send it to him since you have already written it. 

I still remember her supportive words and she sent me a text message telling me that if a man is worth it, he wouldn’t make me cry. And I also remember my two roommates comforting me in the room when I was crying horribly on my bed. I also remember Ee Jane’s question to me back 2010, which is to remember to tell her when I finally feel stupid about it. Since I can’t directly reply her now, here’s the reply:

I felt stupid probably after about two months the said incident happened wtf.

To Wei Qi, thank you for the reminder and song dedication that:

It isn’t love, it is that I am used to your presence in my life. It is an actualization that it isn’t because I am worried about you but more of, I am not willing to be left alone just like this.

To all of you, thank you for your love and support back then. I truly appreciate it even after seven years and will continue to appreciate it for life.

To you whom I have forgotten a long, long time ago, I sincerely hope that you are always well enough to be consumed by the guilt back in 2010. I never wanted you to forget about me and I hope that, just like me, you will always remember me when you walk past the said bookstore back in 2012.

A Note to My Future Self

I am writing this as a diary or note to myself. One day, I am sure that I will look back at this post and it will be of good use to me for now. I am this sure because all of my posts here have helped me in a way or another in a good way – to either look back once in a while to smile or to remind myself of life lessons which I have learnt along the way but went forgotten.

Today I am happy. After 27 years of living, I realized that one of the hardest questions to answer is ‘how are you?’. How is anyone going to answer that if they aren’t really happy in the first place? For so many years, the question did not bother me at all. When I was dating/in love, whenever I get that question, it made me upset because I couldn’t answer sincerely. Sometimes I swallow back my tears and say I’m fine when I am actually not, when all I wanted to do is to scream out loud and tell everyone how hurt I have been. Today, for now, I don’t have to do that anymore because I am happy.

I writing this to make sure that when the time comes and when I do fall in love again, I want to remind myself again to see things clearly and to really use my brain to think wtf. So far for now, I have been doing well, maybe a little/too cold blooded but I am happy. People tell me that in a few years time or so, I may feel bad for myself for being alone. So I started praying that I wouldn’t think/feel that way wtf. I prayed because I cannot be sure of how I will feel in a few years time. I may be desperate wtf, who knows right wtf.

Sometimes when I accidentally clicked on posts about my troubled past relationships, instantly I felt sorry for myself back then wtf. Sometimes when I think about potentially may cheat someone else boyfriend semi-flirting with me or so, I feel sorry for their girlfriends who know nothing at all. Somehow, due to my selfishness, I begin to feel fearful for myself that what if my future boyfriend or husband [Assuming that I do get to that terrifying stage wtf. I never know okay wtf] is just the same? In the end, I somehow concluded that I do not want to be hurt anymore for now wtf.

I have dated enough, crushed enough and have been hurt more than enough. I don’t want to start everything together just to end up being alone again. Most of all, I think I do not want to reach the end with ultimately nothing but scars again. Admittedly, I do think about relationships at times and I do think about giving chances to myself as well as opening my heart again. But the moment I think about all the unnecessary shit and nonsense which may come with it, I find my inner self cringing wtf. It feels like as if I cannot be in love anymore for now.

Recently, I have no idea how people get the idea that I am nice and wants to introduce me to single man wtf. In my head, I was thinking to myself:

Goodness, you don’t know me yet wtf. 

They didn’t know what a psycho I could be wtf. They probably also didn’t know what kind of ego I have wtf. My guess is that they will faint and probably die if they know wtf. Just look at how I peppered wtf as and how I like wtf. So when people think that I am nice, I just smile and may even throw in a thank you wtf but deep down I just want to laugh wtf. Sometimes I smile to prevent myself from laughing out loud wtf. No point denying since they already think that I am nice wtf. I too, wish that all of you were there to witness the epic moment of people complimenting me for being nice. For what? Then we can all laugh together wtf.

Recently, I rediscovered something else about myself – I can’t feel bad or sorry for people for now. I don’t know how or why, it just happened wtf. Maybe these are all scars of being hurt in the past and it is affecting me now without even me realizing it wtf. Anyway, last message to myself:

Please don’t ever be stupid or dumb for now wtf. Do yourself a favour and really see and think properly wtf. 

Quote Nano from a long time ago:

Do the right thing. 

In my own voice… just do the right thing wtf. The real right thing wtf. Please see how fearful I am of being in a state of unhappiness again that I have to write this post in advance for my future self because I know how stupid/dumb/blinded I can be wtf. So yes, please do the real right thing. Use your brain wtf. And if you must, be selfish wtf. It is better for the other person/someone else to die rather than you dying for now wtf #epicmentality.

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What Do You Mean When You Say Goodbye?

I first wrote this post on 4th March 2014. However, my apologies because I couldn’t remember why I did not publish it two years ago. The worst part is, I even forgotten who is the ex-best friend I was writing about until I finished reading the entire post, sat and pondered for a few minutes. That’s how much I have forgotten about this person.

The strangest feeling came to me when I read the only question highlighted in orange and the answer which came to my mind as of 6th February 2016 was:

There isn’t any at the moment. 

I surprised myself very much today when I read my answer two years ago. Two years later, I can’t even remember you anymore? What happened to me? Maybe it wasn’t just you who didn’t treasure our friendship, but it was me as well who did not treasure our friendship because I let my ego go all the way out. But you know what, I am glad that my ego came in place. With the utmost and greatest gratitude to my ego all these years, I realized what a shitty person and friend you were. However, I haven’t changed my mind about wishing you all the best. In fact, when I thought about you, I still hope you will always be happy and that you will appreciate your current love which you’ve sacrificed so much for.

Take care my ex-best friend! I hope I don’t find another unpublished post about you in my drafts anymore =P…

~+~

4th March 2014

This post is inspired by a WhatsApp conversation long ago (Which I did not notice thus no reply!) and I happen to see it today as I was clearing my inbox:

If you had a chance, which broken friendship in your life would you choose to repair?

Instantly, this one ex-best friend came to my mind and I actually almost teared but I did not *Pats self for being strong*. This person and I were only friends for a few months before we said goodbye to one another. Little did I realize, that was the final goodbye because after that, it all ends with good morning.

Our friendship was beautiful if played backwards from this point. But in life, it is only the forward option that we have. Tonight, I thought about you and the friendship that we used to share. You humiliated me in public not just once, but twice and yet, I still find warmth in my heart to forgive you.

I surprise myself because normally, I wouldn’t forgive but to you, no matter how angry I am with you, I would remember how your phone calls without her by your side sounded so friendly and welcoming. People whom I talk to back then told me this is love but to me, this isn’t love because we wouldn’t fight for anything just to have each other’s friendship again.

Maybe we felt that whatever happened, we are still friends even if we can’t be best friends but to me, it has ended and nothing you do can revive it again. You don’t even remember what we said to each other and this says a lot. I have been at the disappointing end for such a long time and when I moved on two years ago, it is one of the best feeling and decision ever.

Right now, I would only wish you well, that you receive only the very best and true happiness in your life even though we are no longer friends.