Category Archives: Unsaid Feelings

November 2012

June 2018

I think I really enjoyed reading my drafts which I never published back then. The good part is I can’t even remember why I did not publish it back then. But well, I guess, I will do so now because it seems interesting to me. Initially I couldn’t remember who it was and what colour the shirt was. However, after a while, I remembered. I remembered it all and I could even replay the entire scene in my head again.

It wasn’t pleasant but today I am glad that I made the right decision to not walk into the library. The worst part? I mentioned that there were two songs but I could only remember one of it! I am going to write it down before I really forget about it. One of the songs is Way Back Into Love. It was from the movie Music and Lyrics. Wa not bad, I still remember 😛 . We were listening to this particular song almost every day together and we stupidly said it was our friendship song.

Since I remember so many things now, I might as well just write it down in case I don’t remember it anymore! I still remember when we talked about movie, we talked about Music and Lyrics. I think I said it wasn’t a very nice show and somehow you agreed too. As the chat went on longer, we realized that we have so much in common especially when we said that the song was the best part of the movie. I remember telling myself in my head as we were talking that for the rest of my life, I would love to just see you smile and look at me that way. I must be so stupidly in love with you back then.

~*~

November 2012

I think I saw you walking into the library. I recognize the shirt that you are wearing. I stopped right there and I saw you looking over for a moment. You walked into the library while I make my way to the library doorstep but I stopped myself from entering. I pushed myself forward and I walked away. Although I wanted to confirm if it is you that I saw but deep down, I would prefer to not know because it doesn’t makes a difference to me anymore. I guess I’ll just get the reference book another time.

As I walked away, I was reminded of two songs that I have heard over the radio. And because the lyrics reminded me so much of you, whenever I hear the songs I would be reminded of you and the bright smile that you have. But at the same time, I would be reminded of what a selfish person you can be. I guess this is why we can’t never be together.

~*~

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Life’s Biggest Regret

I was going through my blog draft and I happen to see this interesting title. I clicked on it to see what it is about and to my surprise, I laughed. If you read the post, basically I surprised myself four years ago too wtf hahaha! Anyway, when I first read the question in this post about my biggest regret, the answer that I have as of today [14th June 2018] is that there is nothing that I regret at the moment. It is strange how things just change in a span of four years. But oh well, four years is a very long time.

I thought I would make this post password protected but then I thought it would be nice for it to be public. Reason? It was an enlightening post for me at this moment. Anyway, let’s see what my answer was four years ago!

~*~

3rd May 2014

I thought about this blog post when I woke up from my nap. This was a question asked by a colleague when we talked about the mistakes we made in life. She said to me:

You seem to have no regrets for so many things. But I am sure you have one moment which you wish you have done or said something differently. 

At that point of time, I couldn’t give her an answer. I told her I will blog about it if I ever have the answer because this seems like a blog post worthy topic haha! So I woke up from my nap and thought about it. To my surprise, my mind went back to 2008 and I saw myself with Ee Jane distancing away because I went to Form 6 and she went to college. I don’t really remember how far we went but I do admit it is my fault. Despite having new friends, she still asked me out and I wasn’t very keen to go out due to personal issues.

From my memory, I rejected going out with her many times until she gets very angry with me. I think I wasn’t being very direct and honest with her as well. Even though our friendship distanced away, I still tell people that she is my number 1 best friend. At the end of 2009, I faced emotional trauma from friends and studies. I made so many mistakes and at the end of the day, I don’t know why but I called her or I got her to call me. We talked and she was so kind. She even advised me and I remember vividly she said:

I am sure you won’t terkalah to her! You play games one right? Game players only have one aim – that is to win. So you treat this as a game and win the game la! 

After talking to her, I remember feeling so much better and motivated. The next day, I studied very, very hard and put aside all emotional problems because I know that, this is a game challenge. Haha! I know right what a thing to say! I really love playing games – particularly online games hehehe! In the end, I am glad that I won the game gracefully or so I think. Well, as I have mentioned in many previous post, many times, I am never sure if I am a good friend but I do know that sometimes I am a bad and ignorant friend because of my selfishness. Therefore, I am forever grateful to my best friends who actually tolerated with my selfishness and ignorance. I secretly think that they love me because I sedar diri and very tak tau malu hahaha!!

Anyway, if I am ever given a chance to avoid having this biggest regret in my life, I would. I would promise Ee Jane that we can hang out in her house and watch a movie! I was so stupid back then. I thought that if wanna hang out, we have to go to a mall or eat pizza. Hey, I was naive okay! *Defensive* I do agree that I take a very long time to learn my lesson but when I do, I will always remember it because you cannot be such a fool to repeat your mistake twice.

Initially, I thought that my answer would be related to a love conflict but ta-da, I surprised myself and probably everyone. Therefore, I conclude, for a person or decision/incident to be your biggest regret ever, that person or decision/incident has to be very important. And it has to be so important that you would never want to lose it and you wish that you had a chance to turn back time to make things right again [This is another ajaran sesat].

To me, regrets are only real if you look back at it and KNEW that you would have done/said something better. If you look back and wish you would have done or said something differently, but if you were really given a chance to do so, WOULD YOU? I have said no to many incidents and this is how I live without regrets for now because you gotta let go of what you cannot change. Hehe, I guess you can say that I am stubborn. Also, as I would like to end this post with a positive note, here is what I found in one of my retweeted tweets on Twitter a long, long time ago:

When you really care about someone, their mistakes never change our feelings because it is the mind that gets angry but the heart that still cares. 

Well, I guess this is the case for Ee Jane and I. Hopefully our friendship will always stay strong despite any differences or difficulties that we may face in the future. I hope in many years to come, we will always be each other’s number 1 best friend [And then we can boast about all the things we went through together – the good and the bad. Oh and not to forget, we can also be inspirational to other people 😛 . Can’t be role model student but we can be role model best friends!].

~*~

Reading this post four years later made me smile and laugh. I guess we truly did really treasure each other back then but things did not go in a favourable direction. However, like what I have always believed, it is all for now for the very best. Things worked out for now and when you hold a seasonal pass, you have to toss it out when it expires because you can’t use it anymore. The good and bad memories from the trip remain but most of all, we must never forget the lesson that we have learnt from it.

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The Late Apology

In 2010, I never knew that four years later I would receive an apology from the said person I wrote about in this post [Click here]. I still remember that day clearly as if it was all yesterday. And I even remembered that two years later in 2012, we met each other face to face, eye to eye but we walked away [I have documented it down here]. Sometimes when I happened to walk past the bookstore where we accidentally met each other, I would remember the shock look on his face. So it seems like he didn’t leave my life after all wtf hahaha. How impressive. If only I actually did remember my school notes this well, I am pretty sure I would have gotten all As.

However, four years past 2010, I received a happy birthday message from him on Facebook. To be honest, I was surprised and with utmost sincerity, I hoped that he didn’t wish me wtf. I hope that he didn’t wish me so that I wouldn’t need to be polite and say thank you. Actually, I have no idea why was I being polite to him anyway when he wasn’t polite to me at all wtf. Oh I remember. I didn’t want to be rude like him for now wtf.

Twelve hours past the birthday wish, he sent me this message which I then forwarded to anyone who knew about this story:

It’s..probably way too late, but I’m really sorry for what happened a few years back. That was really immature of me. 😕

So you tahu way too late also la. Anyway, I gracefully ignored the message because this is what you do to redundant messages received from strangers [You know how some people don’t answer calls from unknown numbers. Yea, just like that.]. To me, it is a late apology and no longer that much about forgiveness. You have hurt someone deeply and if you think an apology is enough, you must be kidding yourself. Anyway, I am pretty sure that he isn’t looking for forgiveness but just want to be guilt-free wtf. I am not looking forward to more apologies or whatever to mend the friendship again because, we can’t stay as friends anymore for now.

I am writing this to remind myself that though I don’t feel the hurt and pain anymore, but I knew that I was being disrespected and betrayed back then. Even seven years later at this moment, I still stand by every single word I have written in all the posts about him. If you wonder why am I inspired to write this today, here’s why:

I clicked on a video shared by a friend on Facebook about love languages. On the video it says must watch before you break up wtf.

So I thought I would watch it and reevaluate my past relationships one by one and see if we should break up or walk away back then wtf. I was also trying to see if I regretted any of my decisions made back then wtf.

I am sure you know my answer if you know me well enough. The answer is of course… NO for now! Are you crazy?! The reason why I ditched those fuckers is because they are all useless for now wtf. 

Anyway, when I first thought about him along my trail of thoughts, I remembered the look on his face when he pressed for a queue number in TM Point and he sighed loudly when he saw that the number was a combination of his so-called-love-him-very-much ex girlfriend’s birthday date and month. Then I remembered how I caught him lying and how betrayed and cheated I felt. I surprised myself actually when I read the post in 2012 that I remembered the nice memories about the both of us when I first saw him wtf. Years later, I guess the memory cover picture changed wtf.

Today, I don’t think it is a waste that we are no longer friends for now because looking back seven years later, our ‘friendship’ was a one way traffic all the time. It was just me listening to you, comforting you and telling you that everything is going to be okay. On the other hand, I received nothing but lies, betrayal, sadness, humiliation, hurt and pain. Just so you know, traffic is always two ways.

Seven years down the road, I want to thank my still best friend for now, Melissa Khoo for advising me to send the blog link to him. Thank you for the encouragement and courage! Quote Melissa back in 2010:

Just send it to him since you have already written it. 

I still remember her supportive words and she sent me a text message telling me that if a man is worth it, he wouldn’t make me cry. And I also remember my two roommates comforting me in the room when I was crying horribly on my bed. I also remember Ee Jane’s question to me back 2010, which is to remember to tell her when I finally feel stupid about it. Since I can’t directly reply her now, here’s the reply:

I felt stupid probably after about two months the said incident happened wtf.

To Wei Qi, thank you for the reminder and song dedication that:

It isn’t love, it is that I am used to your presence in my life. It is an actualization that it isn’t because I am worried about you but more of, I am not willing to be left alone just like this.

To all of you, thank you for your love and support back then. I truly appreciate it even after seven years and will continue to appreciate it for life.

To you whom I have forgotten a long, long time ago, I sincerely hope that you are always well enough to be consumed by the guilt back in 2010. I never wanted you to forget about me and I hope that, just like me, you will always remember me when you walk past the said bookstore back in 2012.

A Note to My Future Self

I am writing this as a diary or note to myself. One day, I am sure that I will look back at this post and it will be of good use to me for now. I am this sure because all of my posts here have helped me in a way or another in a good way – to either look back once in a while to smile or to remind myself of life lessons which I have learnt along the way but went forgotten.

Today I am happy. After 27 years of living, I realized that one of the hardest questions to answer is ‘how are you?’. How is anyone going to answer that if they aren’t really happy in the first place? For so many years, the question did not bother me at all. When I was dating/in love, whenever I get that question, it made me upset because I couldn’t answer sincerely. Sometimes I swallow back my tears and say I’m fine when I am actually not, when all I wanted to do is to scream out loud and tell everyone how hurt I have been. Today, for now, I don’t have to do that anymore because I am happy.

I writing this to make sure that when the time comes and when I do fall in love again, I want to remind myself again to see things clearly and to really use my brain to think wtf. So far for now, I have been doing well, maybe a little/too cold blooded but I am happy. People tell me that in a few years time or so, I may feel bad for myself for being alone. So I started praying that I wouldn’t think/feel that way wtf. I prayed because I cannot be sure of how I will feel in a few years time. I may be desperate wtf, who knows right wtf.

Sometimes when I accidentally clicked on posts about my troubled past relationships, instantly I felt sorry for myself back then wtf. Sometimes when I think about potentially may cheat someone else boyfriend semi-flirting with me or so, I feel sorry for their girlfriends who know nothing at all. Somehow, due to my selfishness, I begin to feel fearful for myself that what if my future boyfriend or husband [Assuming that I do get to that terrifying stage wtf. I never know okay wtf] is just the same? In the end, I somehow concluded that I do not want to be hurt anymore for now wtf.

I have dated enough, crushed enough and have been hurt more than enough. I don’t want to start everything together just to end up being alone again. Most of all, I think I do not want to reach the end with ultimately nothing but scars again. Admittedly, I do think about relationships at times and I do think about giving chances to myself as well as opening my heart again. But the moment I think about all the unnecessary shit and nonsense which may come with it, I find my inner self cringing wtf. It feels like as if I cannot be in love anymore for now.

Recently, I have no idea how people get the idea that I am nice and wants to introduce me to single man wtf. In my head, I was thinking to myself:

Goodness, you don’t know me yet wtf. 

They didn’t know what a psycho I could be wtf. They probably also didn’t know what kind of ego I have wtf. My guess is that they will faint and probably die if they know wtf. Just look at how I peppered wtf as and how I like wtf. So when people think that I am nice, I just smile and may even throw in a thank you wtf but deep down I just want to laugh wtf. Sometimes I smile to prevent myself from laughing out loud wtf. No point denying since they already think that I am nice wtf. I too, wish that all of you were there to witness the epic moment of people complimenting me for being nice. For what? Then we can all laugh together wtf.

Recently, I rediscovered something else about myself – I can’t feel bad or sorry for people for now. I don’t know how or why, it just happened wtf. Maybe these are all scars of being hurt in the past and it is affecting me now without even me realizing it wtf. Anyway, last message to myself:

Please don’t ever be stupid or dumb for now wtf. Do yourself a favour and really see and think properly wtf. 

Quote Nano from a long time ago:

Do the right thing. 

In my own voice… just do the right thing wtf. The real right thing wtf. Please see how fearful I am of being in a state of unhappiness again that I have to write this post in advance for my future self because I know how stupid/dumb/blinded I can be wtf. So yes, please do the real right thing. Use your brain wtf. And if you must, be selfish wtf. It is better for the other person/someone else to die rather than you dying for now wtf #epicmentality.