I am writing this as a diary or note to myself. One day, I am sure that I will look back at this post and it will be of good use to me for now. I am this sure because all of my posts here have helped me in a way or another in a good way – to either look back once in a while to smile or to remind myself of life lessons which I have learnt along the way but went forgotten.
Today I am happy. After 27 years of living, I realized that one of the hardest questions to answer is ‘how are you?’. How is anyone going to answer that if they aren’t really happy in the first place? For so many years, the question did not bother me at all. When I was dating/in love, whenever I get that question, it made me upset because I couldn’t answer sincerely. Sometimes I swallow back my tears and say I’m fine when I am actually not, when all I wanted to do is to scream out loud and tell everyone how hurt I have been. Today, for now, I don’t have to do that anymore because I am happy.
I writing this to make sure that when the time comes and when I do fall in love again, I want to remind myself again to see things clearly and to really use my brain to think wtf. So far for now, I have been doing well, maybe a little/too cold blooded but I am happy. People tell me that in a few years time or so, I may feel bad for myself for being alone. So I started praying that I wouldn’t think/feel that way wtf. I prayed because I cannot be sure of how I will feel in a few years time. I may be desperate wtf, who knows right wtf.
Sometimes when I accidentally clicked on posts about my troubled past relationships, instantly I felt sorry for myself back then wtf. Sometimes when I think about potentially may cheat someone else boyfriend semi-flirting with me or so, I feel sorry for their girlfriends who know nothing at all. Somehow, due to my selfishness, I begin to feel fearful for myself that what if my future boyfriend or husband [Assuming that I do get to that terrifying stage wtf. I never know okay wtf] is just the same? In the end, I somehow concluded that I do not want to be hurt anymore for now wtf.
I have dated enough, crushed enough and have been hurt more than enough. I don’t want to start everything together just to end up being alone again. Most of all, I think I do not want to reach the end with ultimately nothing but scars again. Admittedly, I do think about relationships at times and I do think about giving chances to myself as well as opening my heart again. But the moment I think about all the unnecessary shit and nonsense which may come with it, I find my inner self cringing wtf. It feels like as if I cannot be in love anymore for now.
Recently, I have no idea how people get the idea that I am nice and wants to introduce me to single man wtf. In my head, I was thinking to myself:
Goodness, you don’t know me yet wtf.
They didn’t know what a psycho I could be wtf. They probably also didn’t know what kind of ego I have wtf. My guess is that they will faint and probably die if they know wtf. Just look at how I peppered wtf as and how I like wtf. So when people think that I am nice, I just smile and may even throw in a thank you wtf but deep down I just want to laugh wtf. Sometimes I smile to prevent myself from laughing out loud wtf. No point denying since they already think that I am nice wtf. I too, wish that all of you were there to witness the epic moment of people complimenting me for being nice. For what? Then we can all laugh together wtf.
Recently, I rediscovered something else about myself – I can’t feel bad or sorry for people for now. I don’t know how or why, it just happened wtf. Maybe these are all scars of being hurt in the past and it is affecting me now without even me realizing it wtf. Anyway, last message to myself:
Please don’t ever be stupid or dumb for now wtf. Do yourself a favour and really see and think properly wtf.
Quote Nano from a long time ago:
Do the right thing.
In my own voice… just do the right thing wtf. The real right thing wtf. Please see how fearful I am of being in a state of unhappiness again that I have to write this post in advance for my future self because I know how stupid/dumb/blinded I can be wtf. So yes, please do the real right thing. Use your brain wtf. And if you must, be selfish wtf. It is better for the other person/someone else to die rather than you dying for now wtf #epicmentality.