When I was 18, my National Service instructor wrote in my biography book [Does anyone still remember this?!] and until today, I still remember what he wrote very vividly. He advised me to throw the ego in me far away if I ever want to be a better person. Back then, I really do not think that I am an egoistic person. Now that I look back, I still think I am really nice and humble back then [Cehwah… Haha!]. Today, after so many years, I finally came to realize the meaning of his piece of wise advice.
I think he said that because even though I don’t show my ego to people at all, but my ego does stop me from doing and saying a lot of things. For example, my ego will stop me from confessing my true feelings to a guy. Honestly, I rather let and watch him live happily ever after with another woman than having me to tell him about how I feel. I would really rather live without this guy for now. Well, you can say that he didn’t mean that much to me as much as my pride then. Okay, it’s true for now. I feel that it is utmost important that I do not lose my pride for now because this is like one of the thinnest strings of respect you can have for yourself.
People are always telling me that I do and say stupid things all the time but that didn’t affect me because when it comes to certain matter or people, I would think through a billion times before doing or saying anything. Most of the time, I would seek for advice from my mother or best friends [Although most of the time I have already made up my mind] and if they agree with me, all the better and if they don’t, I will have to sleep over it.
A few days ago my used to be best friend’s dream came true. He passed all his papers and now he has achieved his childhood dream. When I heard the news from another friend, the first things I felt was happiness and I smiled because I was so happy for him. I was really, really happy that his dream came true but after a few moments, I was reminded of this conversation years ago:
“So… This is a promise?”
“Huh? What promise? To graduate together?”
“A promise that you will be there for me on the day I achieve my dream.”
“Definitely. I promise.”
All of a sudden, I felt pretty left out but then again, I have been left out for so many years so I guess it goes away quickly. I picked my phone, typed a rather long congratulations and well wishes message but wham! My ego came into place and I deleted the entire chunk of message. Some say I have nothing to lose and if it makes me happier, I should congratulate him. To me, my pride is at stake and no, I really would not feel any happier if I did send that message. In fact, I do not want my kind intention to be misinterpreted as being bitchy/slutty in any way at all.
In the end, my best friends told me to not bother such a redundant ‘best friend’ and that I did the right thing by deleting off the message. So I believe that we both broke our promise [What a thing to happen!] to one another but right now, who still cares about it. I don’t intend to post this up but I felt that I have learnt a good lesson from this so yea, this is gonna be published so that one day when I read back, I will still remember this very good lesson.
Don’t waste your words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.
There’s a point in your life where you get tired of chasing everyone and fixing everything. It is not giving up.. It is realizing that you don’t need certain people in your life, the drama and bullshit they bring.
-Tan Kean Jie: I have also quoted him in this post–