Monthly Archives: March 2014

Protected: The Long Road to Love II

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The Saddest Moment of My Freshman Year

This post was first written on 1st September 2011 and the final draft was completed by 8th September 2011. It was not published back then due to various reasons which I cannot remember right now. Reading back this post made me laugh and I am really, really glad that I penned it down! It is such a good memory and it reminded me of how much I have learnt and grew throughout the years! 🙂 Do enjoy this post as much as I do 😉 🙂 ❤

~*~

P/S: All images are from Photobucket : ) 

I don’t really want to write about this because it is a really, really heartrending story but when I thought about it over and I think, this is a pretty interesting story in a way so yea, I am gonna share it here.

At the point of time where this incident takes place, I was searching for the end of a rainbow that I saw two years ago. The person involved in this story, we shall call him Roy; which isn’t his real name of course. Roy and I were best of friends that have been destined to never be together. He left to chase his childhood dreams and ambition and I waited because he said that we will meet again one day because we are fated to be together. Yes, I waited and this is one of the dumbest decisions that I have ever made.

What hurts the most was being so close. And having so much to say and watching you walk away – What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts 

One year later, Roy was accepted into University of Malaya – the university that both of us promised to meet each other again. In that one year of separation, I saw his photographs with another girl on Friendster and Facebook but I did not question or say anything because he completely ignored me that one whole year. Some time later, he contacted me again and when I asked him about the other girl whom I saw on his social networking pages, he ignored my question and until today I never knew the answer but it doesn’t matter anymore.

我可以划一个圈把自己关在里面 [Translation: I can draw a circle and shut myself in it]

把回忆挡在外面 [Translation: And leave the memories outside]

却不能停止想念在我的天空蔓延 [Translation: But I can’t help but to miss our skies]

他有的善良和善变 [Translation (Play of word in Chinese): His goodness and fickleness]

我可以划一个圈当做是完美句点 [Translation: I can draw a circle and assume it as the perfect full stop]

-可以不可以 by 丁当-

By then, I as already filled with doubts and he told me to give both of us another chance to prove that we are meant to be together. He told me that he will wait for my acceptance into the University of Malaya and he has strong confidence that we will see each other in university and by then, we will talk things out and everything else will be okay. So yes, I naively told him that I will take the chance because in a way, I wanted to arrive at the end of the rainbow with him.

I close my eyes. And try to hide. But I wake when this dreams collide – Dreams Collide by Colbie Caillat

Seven months later, I was accepted into University of Malaya and when I met him again, he told me very rudely in public that he already has someone else with him. I was speechless and dumbfounded. But nevertheless, I did not cry [Which I feel extremely proud of myself] and I tried my best to not hold on. It was easy in a way for me because there is no firm attachment in the very first place although sometimes it hurts when the memories come back because of two songs and I am glad that today I can listen to these songs without feeling acrimonious anymore.

I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end – Way Back Into Love by Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore

But several months later, I saw Roy in Dewan Tunku Canselor [DTC] lobby after two performances and I saw his girlfriend walking towards him. I saw the smile on his face when the girl held his arm and I walked away. At that time, at the back of my mind, I realized that all I have is myself and I was left to watch them together but nevertheless, I wished him all the best because I knew that I shouldn’t ill-wish my best friend or anyone else. As I turned and walked away, I felt the same heart sinking feeling when we said goodbye three years ago but I braved myself to not look back and I told myself that I must always look forward to what lies ahead and I smiled because I know that – I can do it no matter what it takes.

这次我走开再没有话要说出来 [Translation: I walked away this time around without saying anything at all]

我不想再期待走下去还能多精彩 [Translation:  I don’t wish to go on anymore to know how more exciting it can be]

我不了解你怎能心安 [Translation: I don’t understand how you can be peace at heart]

-你为什么说谎 by 丁噹-

A few days later, I happen to be at the place where everything started and all the memories came flooding back. It made me realized that what has been said and has been done cannot be taken back or undone ever again although in a way I felt like a failure for not letting it go yet. This is when I realize that I must really, really let go and move on for real. Upon arriving home, after a good sleep – I told myself that I will and must still move on with my life even though in a way I felt like I was being cheated and lied to.

In the end, I realized that I had arrived at the end of the rainbow alone a long time but I was too busy holding on to the past to realize it. I have learnt a lot of lessons from the saddest moment of my freshman year and my lips carved a smile because it has all happened for the best.

When we were 18, we were both in love naively and we were best of friends once upon a time. When we were 18, we talk about how cool it is to be in the same university and we will go out sometimes for lunch, dinner and movies just like how we have always dream about. 

Now we are both 21, we have both moved on and we no longer speak to each other. We are both in the same university but there isn’t any lunch, dinner or movies together because that dream will always remain as our dream once upon a time.

Now that I have moved on, I can safely conclude that this is simply one of the happy ending stories in my life that I can now smile from my heart. 

~*~

I know Roy is still reading my blog and I just wanted to say thank you, Roy for everything : ). I used to wonder what went wrong between us and now I know; nothing went wrong between us but we are destined to meet someone else who can love us more than what we both can give to each other.

It has been a year plus and I have totally forgotten about it until I have to write this post but the greatest lesson that I have learnt from the saddest moment [Saddest moment doesn’t means that you have to shed tears!] of my freshman year is that:

The best pay back to people who had hurt you in any way is by living well, better and happier – all without them in it. 

The Moments of 2013

The long overdue post of my moments in 2013 and Wang Lee Hom is now married *Patah hati* 😦 T_____T… Just only last year [Click here] I said I am not married to him yet and this year I am gonna say – I am never going to be married to him *Heartbroken* 😦 . But, I shall wish him happiness with all my heart because if you really love someone, you should wish him/her happiness even though they don’t belong to you 🙂 *Besar hati* 😛 .

Dearest Lee Hom, single or taken – you will always be my favourite male singer! ❤

The Happiest

a) When Ee Jane officially returns from India for good! Now we are no longer in different time zone and we can meet each other easily <3.

My Ee Jane and I! ❤

b) Receiving my birthday and Christmas present. It was totally unexpected but I really love it. Thank you so much 🙂 .

c) Completing the script which I have been dying to do so for the longest time ever. It is part of my life and whenever I read it, it reminds me to never be dumb for now.

Maybe I should make a movie out of it =P. 

d) The day I ended my undergrad life with no regrets at all.

My final performance of my undergrad! ❤ This is one of the cutest pictures of Mel and I on stage.

e) The day Arlex recommended me this song:

Pray For You by Jaron Lowenstein

This is my to go song for now whenever I feel pissed off.

f) The owner of the restaurant treated me a special drink during my birthday dinner! =D =D !!

My birthday drink and I! ❤

The Saddest

a) The day my ‘best friend’ disrespected me. You never have to choose in the first place but you chose to choose. I respect your decision.

b) Semangat-ly planned for three best friends birthday celebration and in the end, it seems like it was Mel’s and I punya birthday. How very awesome. To this one particular best friend, I invited you way earlier and you have to ditch me for a last minute invitation. Can you please differentiate which is a sincere invitation and which is not? I guess you have lost all your sense of judgement and I am really upset because it feels like I have lost a great friend.

My mum used to tell me that once my best friends have their significant other, it would be tough for them to get along with their single best friends. Their single best friends may not mean anything negative/bad but anything the single best friend do/say may be seen as jealousy. I never quite want to believe my mum because it hasn’t happened to me. When it does, I can only tell my mum:

Mi, you are right.

The Most Afraid

This part is only dedicated to my final exam of my undergrad. It was one of the most horrible and murderous papers I ever had. But for now, I thank God that I went through it unharmed ❤ .

The Angriest

I get annoyed easily but not angry easily. But this one is a winner. When this ‘best friend’ tagged me in a photo which he isn’t supposed to tag me. To me, this is a breach of trust and betrayal to the friendship. If you did not know how severe it is, then please use your brain and think about it.

I called you up and you can dengan senang-senangnya say that you will remove it later. Anymore later I think I sudah mati. I am already angry and he must send me a (No Subject) e-mail. When I read this one line in his e-mail, I wanna raise a troop of army just to raise their middle fingers at him but he isn’t worth it:

If you hid yourself away from me under impulse, I can understand because anger can cause one to act irrationally.

EXCUSE ME? I HID MYSELF AWAY FROM YOU? This is one of the biggest jokes ever! I am deleting you from my life don’t you get it?! I did nothing wrong so I don’t see why I must hide myself away from you [So don’t simply jump into conclusion]. I do agree anger does cause one to act irrationally but look at how rationally you string your sentence together. Sudah baca pun tak nak maafkan you. Ingatkan I yang kecil hati but when I show it to my other best friends, they laughed and asked me why are you so stupid/dumb. Why ah? Because I am dumb/stupid enough to forgive you 11557852112 times back in Form 6, that’s why you remain this stupid/dumb and never learn your lesson.

The Most Thankfully Surprised

When I broke down in the KTM after a shitty day at work and this beautiful lady hugged me. She gave me a candy and said:

Happiness is hard to find. If you do find it, keep it.

The Most Tulan [Annoyed]

a) This definitely goes to the day I was questioned by my friend’s girlfriend if I chose her room on purpose. You guys can tell me that she might be just curious but wait till you hear her condescending tone like I did it on purpose. Excuse me, you chose to move to a single room and I was thrown into your room by the office admin and you think that I did it on purpose? What do mean when you asked me for the reason I chose your room? Her exact question was like this (The meaning is there, you get it. Fonts in red indicate extra information given by me):

I want to know ah, why did you choose my room? I remember you are staying at the opposite block on the second floor right? So why did you choose my room (on the fourth floor)?

What do you expect me to answer? Like this? :

I chose your room because I want to replace you in your room. 

OR

Fourth floor is fun. I can exercise and tone my legs.

Is this what you expect? As a person, I honestly thought you would be more tactful and classy but I guess I was wrong about you. Belajar kursus pergigian tetapi mentality tak up to par. And I think you are really insane to think that I would pick to stay on the fourth floor. My best friends almost died laughing when I told them what you asked me.

I was being nice when I invited you back to the room to collect the stuff that you missed out when you are packing and this is what you have to say to me/slap into my face? How very polite. I have mentioned about it in the first part of my blog post here.

b) When this friend organized a movie day and conveniently FFK the entire gang. The worst part? She doesn’t thinks that she is wrong at all. At least feel apologetic about it. Don’t try to play the victim later ’cause you are not.

c) When people don’t keep me updated when they promised to do so. Keep your words and walk your talk.

d) When people accuse/scold me at work for something that I didn’t even know about. Seriously?? Just because someone gave you a bad time, it doesn’t means that you have to put me on the same boat. But never mind, I shall forgive you because I have a big heart.

e) When this particular person treated me like I am his girlfriend when we are just friends. You wanna treat me like your girlfriend, that’s your problem, not mine but please, don’t try to control/restrict me like I am yours. For now, I was never yours to begin with. Stay as friends and we’ll be good for now.

f) When this friend asked me out for lunch/dinner, it would always be in the time of his convenience. When I can never make it, I am expected to skip class. Who do you think you are? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

The Most Regretted

Hmm… So far I can’t think of any yet =P…

The Most Stressed

This goes to all my exam weeks and my internship [You can read more about my internship by clicking here].

The Most Self-Satisfied

a) Completing my undergrad and handing in my Academic Project! Biggest satisfaction and achievement ever!

b) Walking out of the examination hall like a boss because that marks my final paper of my undergrad life for now! Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!

c) My phone rang and when I saw your name on the caller ID, I let it ring till it dies off.

d) Getting a free drink at Ochado for being a good citizen! =P

The Most Embarrassing

This definitely goes to the day I was walking to the examination hall and I realize that I forgot my ____ [I can’t bring myself to type it out T_______T ].

The Most Shocked

a) As per above [The Most Embarrassing moment], I am shocked with my own memory. Mana boleh macam ini lo!! *Determined to not repeat the same mistake for now*

b) When this ‘best friend’ grabbed my wrist along the hostel corridor, pulled me to a corner just to talk when there is nothing left to say anymore. For a second I thought I would be killed/kidnapped.

c) Realizing that I have been lied to by this friend for 10 years. Geez. Entah I bodoh ke naive ke ignorant. You can read all about it here.

The Most Confused

a) When certain people ditch Mel and I for ‘better’ benefits and still expect to be friends. Wow? Seriously? This is what I would say as first class betrayal. I don’t understand why after people stabbed you front and back, they still ada muka to smile at you. The worst shit, out of courtesy you gotta smile back. So confusing, don’t know what you want la.

b) There’s this guy who send messages to Ee Jane and I and he has a habit of replying people a dozen of hours later. Everything he says/do is flirtatious but he can’t see/understand why. When I first met back this friend, I was told about the girls who have been madly in love with him. Initially I thought those girls are crazy. Really. But as time goes, I realized and understood why. Those girls were never crazy, just naive.

As much as I have smiled from all his lovely gestures and charm, at the back of my mind, I knew that he would do the same for anyone else within his radar. I really don’t know what is he trying to achieve. I remember we used to be pretty close back then but now, he is just like a stranger and a reflection in the water. He would only allow me to see him the way he would want me to see him.  For a moment it disappoints me that our friendship turned this way but at the same time, I am really confused with this person that I avoided this particular place in town because I really didn’t want to see/hear anymore lies. You can read more about it here.

The Most Excited

a) The day Ee Jane called me for breakfast when she arrived at Kajang after a long flight from India!!! ❤

b) Voting for the very first time! Well… This is not really my first time as I have been exposed to the entire voting system in National Service so let’s say… this is my first time voting officially! I feel like a true Malaysian now =P.

~*~

Wheeew! Finally it’s done. I have been thinking through many moments if I should go into the details or should I just generalize them. At last, I have decided to go into the details because from the details, that’s where I learnt all my lessons from. The year 2013 has been too much of a disappointment. It feels like a slight uphill battle of emotions and most of the time, it feels like God is testing me if I have already learnt/still remember the lessons from the past.

For now, I am glad to say that I have already learnt my lesson and I still remember it this very millisecond.

‘Cause love only comes once in a while

And knocks on your door

And throws you a smile

And takes every breath

Leaves every scar

Speaks through your soul

And sings to your heart

But if I knew then what I know now

~If I Knew Then by Lady Antebellum~

The Year 2013

Hi everyone. This is the annual post that I normally write and usually, they are up pretty early. This time around, I took a very long time to publish this post because I don’t really know what to write about. When I think about 2013, I only see broken friendships. I look through the folder of photos so many times and I really do feel disgusted with certain friends attitude. Maybe we share different friendship ethics. I tried to understand you but I don’t think you even try to understand me.

Anyway, let’s begin.

~*~

Sam, Nano and Ai Leng.

Ee Jane returned to India before Chinese New Year last year so I didn’t go for any house visiting. That made me realized that I would go for it because I wanted to accompany her and I don’t get to see her often. In all honesty, I feel this house visiting is losing its meaning. If you want to meet up with your friends, meet up at a cafe. If you want angpao, then just say so and not use house visiting as an excuse. Oh well, maybe it’s just me.

Last Chinese New Year, I was really angry with two friends. If you are not coming over for dinner/don’t intend for dinner, THEN SAY SO. IT IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY TO SAY NO and please do not make me wait all day like an idiot. It really piss me off when people don’t say things directly and make me wait for nothing. Also, I cannot stand people who promised to keep me updated and in the end, wala, nothing at all until I called up. So if I don’t call you, then die la, I have to wait until I turn into dust.

Convent girls.

This bunch of girls will always remind me that it is never easy to find true friends. In 2013, by miracle I discovered cusp in terms of horoscope. It is a no wonder characteristics of Pisces doesn’t reflects me at all even by 10%.

Mel, Sam, Vivian.

I am really grateful to have people whom I can label them as my friend(s) in university but when there is a change of heart in your friends, you have to accept it. It is sad to know that you aren’t important at all when you make effort to meet up and to celebrate their birthdays. It is saddening how they can’t show the slightest appreciation and now, they don’t even have basic courtesy to say thank you after you have helped them. Wow, seriously? Friendship – what does this word means to you? Well, probably a joke or some sort of rubbish.

When you walk away from these ‘friends’, what do you do when you see their name on the caller ID? I let it ring till it dies off.

Voted for the very first time and yes, I am proud to be a true Malaysian 😉 .

On the brighter side of 2013, I found closure in so many ways and I thank God for it. Thinking about it right now still made me smile and I laugh when I look back at our old photographs in 2008. It can never ever be the same anymore and it scares me when I think about the person whom I used to know so well turned into a stranger. Back then, it feels exactly like this:

We used to be best buddies and now we’re not, I wish you would tell me why.

~Do You Want To Build A Snowman from Frozen~

Too much disappointments and now, I don’t even want to know why anymore. I guess we were meant to be strangers from the very beginning. Best friends? Really? I guess I was dispensable and disposable to you.

And I finally went for internship after seeing the entire world posting about internship on Facebook [You can read all about my internship experience here]. It was overall a very good experience and it has taught me many valuable lessons in life which I have penned down in my internship report. It is useful to remember/read it from time to time whenever people are being stupid and try to affect me with it.

Melissa and I. 

In 2013, my life as an undergraduate officially ended [You can read all about my final semester here]. All in all, it has been a good experience and it is amazing how people whom you know do not like you showed their true colours in the final semester. On the other hand, I thank God for this friend, Melissa Khoo who has walked with me hand in hand to the ending point of our undergrad life gracefully. Sometimes, or most of the time, it feels exactly like this:

We only have each other, it’s just you and me, what are we gonna do? 

~Do You Want To Build A Snowman from Frozen~

What are we gonna do? Let’s just mind our own business and be awesome as usual for now.

From my Instagram- Imperfection is what makes you different from the others.

Many years ago, you would never ever see a picture of my teeth or hands close up. But now you have seen both of it in this blog post. I am not blessed with straight teeth and people would take notice, make comments and even laugh at it. It piss me off all the time and I vow to wear braces so that people will not say anything about it anymore. Last year, I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden, I felt that my teeth actually suits my face feature and it makes me feels like me.

Apart from that, I do not have nice nails or hands but I have decided to embrace all of my imperfections and not strive towards perfection anymore. Perfection only happens when you embrace imperfections. Suddenly I sound so wise.

All in all, the year 2013 isn’t a year which I would revisit for now. It made me see through so many people and to all my best friends – this is a year without a love story (Aren’t you guys proud of me?!). A stone heart can never love anymore and I think, I have been a really unforgiving person in 2013. It feels so hard to tolerate, give and care that sometimes, I feel like a reptile living in a human body. But at the same time, if you are too nice, people would trample all over you. I guess, there is a need to seek balance in everything that we do.