Dearest W

I know what are all of you thinking about. First, it’s Dearest X and now it’s Dearest W. I hate writing about personal stuff and problems, but this time, I find the need to and this, must be addressed to W whether he reads my blog or not.

I will not answer any questions about the identity of W. You may guess all you want and whoever who feel a pinch in their heart, or anger burning or whatever, this is ME, speaking up my mind- right here, right now =). So… here it goes:

~*~

Dearest W,

First of all, thank you for being in my life and again, thank you for walking out of my life. After that stupid incident last year with this so called “best friend” and another “best friend” in class, I thought nothing else could hurt me anymore. But thank you, for awaking me from my slumber. I have been asleep for such a long time that I forgot how to spell the word:

Heartbroken

Thank you, for teaching me how does it feels like [Again] and to be able to spell it and to relate/attach myself to all emotional songs again. I thought that you were different from the rest of the guys whom I’ve known to be some biggest asshole ever. But again, kudos for you’ve proven yourself to me that you are just like all of them.

When I first relate what happened to my two of my best friends; Wei Qi and Ee Jane, what they have to say is this:

“You are going to feel stupid about it one fine day. Let me know when you finally feel stupid about it.” — Ee Jane

“What do you see in him?? Like a small kid only…”– Wei Qi

Initially, I don’t get what are my two best friends trying to tell me. But after sometime, their message was knocked into my head and yea, I felt stupid about it and I even felt stupid about it now for allowing you to send all those SMS-es to me =).

Seriously, I must have lost my glasses somewhere and I thought that I had my contact lenses on which is why I was so blinded.

Relationships are weird. First, we were strangers and we don’t even know the existent of each other. Then we became friends and from friends, we became closer friends and from this stage, it is where all things get screwed up and we go back to being strangers again. Except this time, I think it is as what I’ve thought before – the closest stranger ever.

It feels weird, that the person that I KNOW… became the person that I once KNEW. Yea, you are the past now, just like a past tense =) and it has to be, a simple past tense because you are nothing more than that.

It is sad to know how the people that I once treasure, loved and cared with all my heart and soul, became the people whom I despise and scorn. It is strange to see people whom you’ve looked up to as your friend turn into people whom you look down on them just because they do not behave with dignity and to even respect you as a common friend.

It has been awhile since I was left speechless by any of my friends and the last was when Wei Qi and I went to this “best friend’s” house just to talk things out and I was absolutely horrified and disgusted with his attitude. And now, you made me feel the same about you.

It hurts, to be left speechless and discombobulated without a single reason. But it hurts even more, to realize that you have been taken advantage of just as a temporary healer which is an euphemism for being a substitute.

If my memory did not fail me, I remember vividly that you are the one who started all those SMS-ing and that is when, things went wrong. I shouldn’t have bothered you or even to reply any of your messages. But what is done, has already been done. This time, there is really nothing else left to do to make things right again.

I tried to make things better again but as usual, it did not work. I prayed every night before I sleep, that by God’s grace and love, at least our relationship will be much better and blessed  even by just being close friends again but I guess, God is taking you away because probably He thinks that this friendship is not meant to be anymore and I, accept that wholeheartedly.

I am tired of waiting even for a friendship rapprochement and for even a SMS from you just to say hello. I know, if I wanted to, I could send you one just to let you know that we are still friends. But then, I think, I’ve tried way too hard to try to put things right again.

I remember someone telling me that a true friend, will always come back to you no matter how many times you let him/her walk away… And this theory, has been proven by some of my best friends who are standing right beside me now in life; supporting me every milliseconds of my life and they too, are assured of my support in every millisecond of their life.

I was hoping that you are one of them. But sadly, you’ve proven yourself that you are not. As a close friend, you have hurt my feelings beyond words could explain. If your ex-girlfriend had hurt you so much so that she made you feel suicidal, then you shouldn’t be doing this to me.

If you leave someone crying alone in the dark, be assured that, someday, somewhere along your life, someone will leave you crying alone in the dark as well. Except this time, karma will work its way up to you and bite you back, hard, on your ass and things will be worse than ever so do keep this in mind that what goes around, comes around.

It is a sin to make a woman cry because God count all her tears. I remember someone else, telling another friend of mine that, with every woman tear, man is a step further from his goal. And don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend whom you’ve claimed that you’ve made her cried. Those tears, are crocodile tears or tears of hypocrisy if I want to un-euphemise it.

Especially the time, when she told you that she cried just because her current boyfriend tried to kiss her by force and her reason is because, she will not allow anyone to kiss her as long as she still has the slightest feelings for you [So why date the other guy in the first place and make the relationship well known to the public and your relationship with her is well kept as a secret back then?]… And for this, you need to wake up. She is treating you like a spare tyre and she is keeping you, hanging in the middle of the air or to un-euphemise it, she is keeping you as a reserve.

You can always tell yourself that she loves you, or that she is sincere to you. But, deep down in your heart, you know it is all a lie and it is not even a white lie because it is such a big fat lie, that even the blind can see it. The truth hurts; and often, it is painful, uncomfortable and even scary at times. But remember, the truth will always save us from more pain later on.

She doesn’t loves you for who you are. You can love her for all she is no matter how fat or ugly she is in everyone’s eye. But the truth remains, she doesn’t loves you for who you are. I’ve said it once, twice, thrice and I am going to say it again:

Your relationship was made a secret and non-existent because there is something about you that she isn’t proud of or wants anyone to know about.

I used to wonder, what is it about you that she isn’t proud of… and now, I do. But I am never going to let you know because it is not like you are going to believe me anyway. The trust and faith that I have in you, is gone and never will it return again.

We may still be friends, but I will never trust you anymore. So I don’t see the point of us still needing to be friends any longer.

We used to be close friends. But that night, the word close friend slapped me so hard in reality that I was dumbfounded. Close friends do not send messages like what we both send to each other. What made me even angrier is when you denied when I said there is a problem. After I stated the problem, you said that you realized it a long time ago.

Here, I thank you wholeheartedly, for lying and for allowing me to catch it. All this while, I thought that you are honest and reliable. But it seems like, I was extremely wrong about you. Thank you, for disappointing me and allowing me to remove another friend off my friend list.

Wei Qi dedicated me a song [Mei Na Me Ai Ta by Fan Wei Qi] and I love it to bits and it is so true and here, this part of the lyrics, goes out to you =) :

是習慣還是愛

不放心還是不甘心

It is a realization for me that, it isn’t love, it is that I am used to your presence in my life. It is an actualization that it isn’t because I am worried about you but more of, I am not willing to be left alone just like this. Methinks that, you too, should rethink about your relationship with her. I don’t believe in true love at such a young and tender age.

You may view your relationship with her as your one and only true love. But to me, it is all puppy love or an infatuation. Sometimes, I think you got to wake up and that you indeed, do need a wake up call and you don’t need to sedar diri sikit, because you need to:

Sedar diri BANYAK-BANYAK.

But I know, you won’t. So, go on with your life and be emotional about it and think about her day and night when she doesn’t even think/remember you at all. Go on and miss her around the clock and see if that brings her back to you so that she can hurt you all over again. And I do know that, back then, you used to “like” some “likes and interests” messages on Facebook just to let her know how do you feel. You don’t have to say it out or even to admit it because it is so obvious.

You’ve made a fool out of me and from this, I’ve learnt a lesson, that one, should be like Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII who refused to be his mistress no matter what and demanded to to have a status recognition and that is, to be his Queen. I know she was beheaded, but at least, she worked up her way for a recognition.

But come to think about it, you did not have a status recognition when you were with her back then. So yea, maybe you do know how I feel =)… The hurtful pinch that I felt when I realized that my emotions was being fooled and toyed around by you and everything, was left unsaid. Awesome. I do deserve this kind of un-recognition and you don’t =)…

Thank you for pushing me around and leaving me all alone. But this post, is to let you know that I am never alone. I have God, who is always there for me. I have my family, who loves me for who I am. I have my best friends, who will always be there for me and accepts me for who I am.

Never once, I have thought that we would both ended up this way. After all that had happened, I just realized that, you’ve never once cared about me even as a friend. It took me a lot of courage and determination to let you go as a friend and to deleting everything about you in my life. From this, I’ve learnt that, we must only go for someone who will be proud to have us and will take every risk and chance, just to be with us.

Thank you, for allowing me to learn a great number of good life lessons from you. I shall not repeat all the mistakes that I’ve done and I’ve learnt, that I shouldn’t care too much or else I will end up being a doormat. And you too, should draw a lesson from this:

Never play with the feelings of others. you may win the game but the risk is that, you’ll surely lose that person forever.— From one of my friend’s Facebook status.

In your life, I know where do I stand right now and I too, know where do you stand right now. I don’t expect anything from you anymore and this post, is to end it all. To end all the nonsense emotional crap that you’ve put me through. But somewhat, I am always lucky to have best friends who will always pull me back to where I am and to slap me till I wake up.

I am done with all this nonsense and I am, looking forward to a brand new New Year, to start off a new life, new me with new resolutions; all without you in my life. Life without you, makes no difference to me anymore. To somewhat develop feelings for you, is a dumb mistake. But I truly believe that, it is all these dumb mistakes that I’ve made that will make me into a better and smarter person because I’ve learnt how to be less dumb.

I’ve told you a lot of times, that if I do fall, I will make sure that I do stand up, taller and stronger than before. And now, I am only living up to my own words and advices. You can’t push me down just like this. You are no one to me and you cannot affect me emotionally anymore. Thank you, for allowing me to be stronger person mentally in life =)…

You are always invisible to me from now onwards [and for the rest of my life] and again, this post ends it all with; you can never, never affect me emotionally anymore. And lastly, goodbye simple past tense and hello future progressive tense

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12 responses to “Dearest W

  1. oh my deer.. i love the fact that im the first to comment here.. hahahaha XD
    well i cant say much but only remember one thing. no man is worth your tears and if he is worth it, he will never make you cry.
    and like you said, you have your other friends here and losing one darn idiot doesnt make much difference to the number of good friends you have. perhaps its better because you got rid of a thorn la.

    so gimme all your hugs and kisses baybeh.. wahahaha 😛
    ok im joking bout the hugs and kisses.

  2. Wake up la idiot! Don’t repeat the same mistake as I did last time.

  3. wait a minute…i thought i commented?!!

    i commented 5 am something sommor, wthallibut fishcrap *geram*

  4. Helen: i agree with you! ahhh, can i post all my hugs and kisses to u through pos laju?! =P

    Ee Hahn: *like* ala facebook style!

    Ee Jane: no you didn’t =|…

  5. Haha… It doesn’t matter if it’s facebook style or not. As long as my message is clear.

  6. Ee Hahn: if W sees it lo 😉 but i bet he wont wake up one lo! and i forgot to mention, he still owe me an apology for all the bullshit that happened!

  7. I don’t expect him to wake up. He’ll have to experience it and then only will wake up. At that time I’ll just say: Nah! Dai sei!

    Haha…

  8. Ee Hahn: you should seriously have a blog and write about your sudah sedar diri banyak-banyak experience =.= i still have the photos though =P ur blog theme: AKU SUDAH SEDAR DIRI =X ~

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