One of the days when I was trying on clothes in a shopping mall, I received a message from a friend which inspired the title of my post today.
So as I was messaging with that friend, the term LOCK and KEY came into my mind as I remembered the enzyme and the substrate thingy in Biology Form 4. My heart sank as I thought about it. I sat down quietly on a bench and looked around as pictures of memories flooded my mind and the whole time I was wondering the whys and wherefores of that particular incident.
It’s Christmas today [The midnight of 24th December] and now, right in front of me, there is a friend of mine, whom I am looking at and I remembered how we misunderstood each other for such a long time only to realize that the truth is the other way round. Some conversations still made me laugh; for example:
I thought you were with him?
Nooooo I wasn’t!
But I thought so?
That’s what you think it is but it isn’t! =P
And it is usually followed by a long and awkward moment of silence and smiles and it will then… break into a laughter which still ring in my ears as I am typing this.
Last Christmas, I remembered vividly how you misunderstood me and how I stared at my mobile for a very long time, wondering the whys of there isn’t any reply from you. I began to wonder if you are just that ignorant [whether on purpose or not] or you just… want to avoid me but it did not took me long to realize why… And it was all just a simple reason which is:
It is not an obligation to do so.
Some people try to let go the feelings they have for each other. But at the end of the day, they will just realized that they can never do it and that, they are the one feeling tortured upside down.
Have you ever once fallen in love with a friend only to realize that it was wrong to do so? Only to realize that it was way too late to turn time back and fix it again and waking up, realizing what you’ve said and done, regretting it and eventually, wondering why did you do so. Perchance, you might even wonder IF there is anything that you could do to make things right again.
This, had happened to the friend of mine who is in front of me right now and myself.
The question here is; why?
Both of us have misunderstood each other in the most dramatic and traumatizing way that you could ever think up of. But thank God, all the misunderstandings have ended with just a word of hi on MSN and a phone call that made both of us felt like stupid fools for a complete 2 hours plus for as long as the phone call last.
We entangled ourselves in thoughts and assumptions that we made up in our own mind which killed the feelings that we have for each other. Though the feelings that you have for me is still there and strong as you claim to be, but something in me have changed.
Somehow, I feel guilty to type this out as I am looking at you right in front of me; but the truth is I felt grateful that we have once misunderstood each other. Because from this, I realize that we are both very different people and there are chances that, we both cannot accept the differences that we both have.
Sometimes, we hold on to the past; no matter wet or dry it may be…
I am aware of the fact that you have a past. A past that you told me that you tried to let go off and now you tell me that you have already do so but there are still doubts in me that you will then, see and take me as her. I am afraid to hold your hands because I realize that- what if one day you wake up and realize that you thought that it was her hands that you are holding all this while.
Though we have never once dated, but we both know that, we are the key to each others’ heart. Sadly, I decided to let it go and to walk away because I know, I don’t deserve you. I know there is another girl out there in your higher education, who is more like you and that, both of you are more compatible.
Each time I compare myself to her, I felt small and down because I know, I’ll never be as great as she is and that, I don’t make anyone proud of me as how she would make everyone around her proud of her and be envious of her.
Somehow I know, I am completely nothing as compared to her.
Don’t let the other girl go just because you say that she don’t hold the key to your heart like I do. Because, the key that I am holding; maybe the wrong key. Don’t hold on to me but let me go slowly. Let me walk away and let me walk out of your life slowly. Let me just be your friend.
If I say that I hold zero feelings for you, I am… lying.
I wanted you to be happy and I want you to realize that, though you knew me first before you knew her, but here is something that you must remember, which is; you spent more time with her compared to me. We knew each other for such a short period of time and that cannot justify anything as compared to the time you’ve spent with that girl who hold strong feelings for you right now in your higher education.
Pursue your dreams and ambition and forget about me – that’s what I said to you. You did try to and in the end, you came back telling me that you can never forget about me. This has nothing to do with my understanding or what you say and call, self-sacrificing ’cause I’m not and it’s such a big word to use it on me as I totally don’t deserve it.
Thank you for the lovely surprise and for everything that you have done for me. I appreciate them from the bottom of my heart sincerely. I cannot express how grateful I am to have this once in a lifetime experience given by you. How can I make you understand that I love you, but I can never be with you?
Will you give yourself a chance with that girl and forget about me? I know, you told me that I am the one you love but you forgot to add in the word, right now. Sooner or later, you will just realized that we have differences and that, you will see my point of view now.
Thank you for your love and everything else in between. In conclusion, I thank you for every single thing and for your presence in my life.
Let me stay in a place where I belong and a place where I can truly be myself. You will never understand and see my world in your eyes but I can see yours. Lamiae will never be with human beings because in the first place we don’t even know if lamiae really, really do exist just as how, you don’t even know if I really, really do exist in your world of thoughts and fun.
But there’s just one thing for sure, you do exist in my world but I know, that is not a place for you. And lastly…
I love you, but I know this love is not meant to be…
Jeng jeng jeng! The above is just a part of a story that I wanted to write, so uhh, opinions needed please? 😀 And not to forget,
To everyone of you!! -HUGS!- Have a blessed Christmas everyone!
Also, it’s Jesus’ birthday! So,