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The Late Apology

In 2010, I never knew that four years later I would receive an apology from the said person I wrote about in this post [Click here]. I still remember that day clearly as if it was all yesterday. And I even remembered that two years later in 2012, we met each other face to face, eye to eye but we walked away [I have documented it down here]. Sometimes when I happened to walk past the bookstore where we accidentally met each other, I would remember the shock look on his face. So it seems like he didn’t leave my life after all wtf hahaha. How impressive. If only I actually did remember my school notes this well, I am pretty sure I would have gotten all As.

However, four years past 2010, I received a happy birthday message from him on Facebook. To be honest, I was surprised and with utmost sincerity, I hoped that he didn’t wish me wtf. I hope that he didn’t wish me so that I wouldn’t need to be polite and say thank you. Actually, I have no idea why was I being polite to him anyway when he wasn’t polite to me at all wtf. Oh I remember. I didn’t want to be rude like him for now wtf.

Twelve hours past the birthday wish, he sent me this message which I then forwarded to anyone who knew about this story:

It’s..probably way too late, but I’m really sorry for what happened a few years back. That was really immature of me. 😕

So you tahu way too late also la. Anyway, I gracefully ignored the message because this is what you do to redundant messages received from strangers [You know how some people don’t answer calls from unknown numbers. Yea, just like that.]. To me, it is a late apology and no longer that much about forgiveness. You have hurt someone deeply and if you think an apology is enough, you must be kidding yourself. Anyway, I am pretty sure that he isn’t looking for forgiveness but just want to be guilt-free wtf. I am not looking forward to more apologies or whatever to mend the friendship again because, we can’t stay as friends anymore for now.

I am writing this to remind myself that though I don’t feel the hurt and pain anymore, but I knew that I was being disrespected and betrayed back then. Even seven years later at this moment, I still stand by every single word I have written in all the posts about him. If you wonder why am I inspired to write this today, here’s why:

I clicked on a video shared by a friend on Facebook about love languages. On the video it says must watch before you break up wtf.

So I thought I would watch it and reevaluate my past relationships one by one and see if we should break up or walk away back then wtf. I was also trying to see if I regretted any of my decisions made back then wtf.

I am sure you know my answer if you know me well enough. The answer is of course… NO for now! Are you crazy?! The reason why I ditched those fuckers is because they are all useless for now wtf. 

Anyway, when I first thought about him along my trail of thoughts, I remembered the look on his face when he pressed for a queue number in TM Point and he sighed loudly when he saw that the number was a combination of his so-called-love-him-very-much ex girlfriend’s birthday date and month. Then I remembered how I caught him lying and how betrayed and cheated I felt. I surprised myself actually when I read the post in 2012 that I remembered the nice memories about the both of us when I first saw him wtf. Years later, I guess the memory cover picture changed wtf.

Today, I don’t think it is a waste that we are no longer friends for now because looking back seven years later, our ‘friendship’ was a one way traffic all the time. It was just me listening to you, comforting you and telling you that everything is going to be okay. On the other hand, I received nothing but lies, betrayal, sadness, humiliation, hurt and pain. Just so you know, traffic is always two ways.

Seven years down the road, I want to thank my still best friend for now, Melissa Khoo for advising me to send the blog link to him. Thank you for the encouragement and courage! Quote Melissa back in 2010:

Just send it to him since you have already written it. 

I still remember her supportive words and she sent me a text message telling me that if a man is worth it, he wouldn’t make me cry. And I also remember my two roommates comforting me in the room when I was crying horribly on my bed. I also remember Ee Jane’s question to me back 2010, which is to remember to tell her when I finally feel stupid about it. Since I can’t directly reply her now, here’s the reply:

I felt stupid probably after about two months the said incident happened wtf.

To Wei Qi, thank you for the reminder and song dedication that:

It isn’t love, it is that I am used to your presence in my life. It is an actualization that it isn’t because I am worried about you but more of, I am not willing to be left alone just like this.

To all of you, thank you for your love and support back then. I truly appreciate it even after seven years and will continue to appreciate it for life.

To you whom I have forgotten a long, long time ago, I sincerely hope that you are always well enough to be consumed by the guilt back in 2010. I never wanted you to forget about me and I hope that, just like me, you will always remember me when you walk past the said bookstore back in 2012.

A Note to My Future Self

I am writing this as a diary or note to myself. One day, I am sure that I will look back at this post and it will be of good use to me for now. I am this sure because all of my posts here have helped me in a way or another in a good way – to either look back once in a while to smile or to remind myself of life lessons which I have learnt along the way but went forgotten.

Today I am happy. After 27 years of living, I realized that one of the hardest questions to answer is ‘how are you?’. How is anyone going to answer that if they aren’t really happy in the first place? For so many years, the question did not bother me at all. When I was dating/in love, whenever I get that question, it made me upset because I couldn’t answer sincerely. Sometimes I swallow back my tears and say I’m fine when I am actually not, when all I wanted to do is to scream out loud and tell everyone how hurt I have been. Today, for now, I don’t have to do that anymore because I am happy.

I writing this to make sure that when the time comes and when I do fall in love again, I want to remind myself again to see things clearly and to really use my brain to think wtf. So far for now, I have been doing well, maybe a little/too cold blooded but I am happy. People tell me that in a few years time or so, I may feel bad for myself for being alone. So I started praying that I wouldn’t think/feel that way wtf. I prayed because I cannot be sure of how I will feel in a few years time. I may be desperate wtf, who knows right wtf.

Sometimes when I accidentally clicked on posts about my troubled past relationships, instantly I felt sorry for myself back then wtf. Sometimes when I think about potentially may cheat someone else boyfriend semi-flirting with me or so, I feel sorry for their girlfriends who know nothing at all. Somehow, due to my selfishness, I begin to feel fearful for myself that what if my future boyfriend or husband [Assuming that I do get to that terrifying stage wtf. I never know okay wtf] is just the same? In the end, I somehow concluded that I do not want to be hurt anymore for now wtf.

I have dated enough, crushed enough and have been hurt more than enough. I don’t want to start everything together just to end up being alone again. Most of all, I think I do not want to reach the end with ultimately nothing but scars again. Admittedly, I do think about relationships at times and I do think about giving chances to myself as well as opening my heart again. But the moment I think about all the unnecessary shit and nonsense which may come with it, I find my inner self cringing wtf. It feels like as if I cannot be in love anymore for now.

Recently, I have no idea how people get the idea that I am nice and wants to introduce me to single man wtf. In my head, I was thinking to myself:

Goodness, you don’t know me yet wtf. 

They didn’t know what a psycho I could be wtf. They probably also didn’t know what kind of ego I have wtf. My guess is that they will faint and probably die if they know wtf. Just look at how I peppered wtf as and how I like wtf. So when people think that I am nice, I just smile and may even throw in a thank you wtf but deep down I just want to laugh wtf. Sometimes I smile to prevent myself from laughing out loud wtf. No point denying since they already think that I am nice wtf. I too, wish that all of you were there to witness the epic moment of people complimenting me for being nice. For what? Then we can all laugh together wtf.

Recently, I rediscovered something else about myself – I can’t feel bad or sorry for people for now. I don’t know how or why, it just happened wtf. Maybe these are all scars of being hurt in the past and it is affecting me now without even me realizing it wtf. Anyway, last message to myself:

Please don’t ever be stupid or dumb for now wtf. Do yourself a favour and really see and think properly wtf. 

Quote Nano from a long time ago:

Do the right thing. 

In my own voice… just do the right thing wtf. The real right thing wtf. Please see how fearful I am of being in a state of unhappiness again that I have to write this post in advance for my future self because I know how stupid/dumb/blinded I can be wtf. So yes, please do the real right thing. Use your brain wtf. And if you must, be selfish wtf. It is better for the other person/someone else to die rather than you dying for now wtf #epicmentality.

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40 Seconds Love Story

I am still here. I have not disappeared from blogging but rather, I have too many posts which I deemed as too personal to be shared. However, I have been reading back my old blog posts and I must say, it was a journey on its own for myself! I have laughed, felt how negatively I felt at a few points and most importantly, I actually said:

Good job for saying that into his/her face. 

As you can/may guess it, I have forgotten a lot of which happened back then. At times, halfway through reading, I muttered:

Didn’t I say anything to slap this idiot back in his/her face?? 

And when I did, I was pleased. Lol. Memang tak serik-serik saya. Also, this shows how much I have changed. Got la. Not much. So I guess for now I am pretty constant. Hahaha! Anyway, today’s topic is about my 40 seconds love story. Saddest part? Probably the shortest love story ever. Happiest part? My heart fluttered for a second.

~*~

One evening on 21st September 2016, I was in front of my computer writing my thesis while going crazy. Then, my phone rang. I looked at it and I didn’t recognize the number on my phone.

Me: Hello? *Praying it’s not someone I know whose number I happily deleted by accident* 

Caller: Hello Sam?

At this point, my heart fluttered for a second. DUDE VOICE SOUNDED DAMN NICE. IT’S CRAZY. I KNOW. And I panicked because anyone who calls me Sam are probably people who know me well/close enough to me and like can be super offensive la if I really didn’t save/deleted their numbers. I was thinking to myself which of my guy friend has such a nice voice? The last person I knew who has such nice voice has been disowned by me for now.

Me: Yes?

Caller: Sam??

Me: Yes? Who are you? *Damn blatant hahaha but I really don’t know who it is!* 

Caller: *Laughs* This is Jeff here. Are you still in the office? *Dude probably thinks I am pulling his leg* 

Me: Excuse me? Jeff?

I was like what office, I am at home! Anyway, I actually clicked and typed on my Facebook search bar – JEFF, only to see a whole list of people I don’t remember/know. I got confused and panicked. Who is this Jeff who knows me? Shit happens okay. If it’s right out in public, I can pretend to not see that person or just wave and quickly walk away in a hurry without saying hello. This is on the phone! To suddenly hang up is like quite rude so anyway, we continue:

Caller: Samantha right?

Me: Yes. You are? 

Caller: Jeff Ong/Leong 

Me: Huh? *I was hoping he would say I’m Jeff from _____. Like, shed some light for me la then I can go oooooooo* 

Caller: *Silent* I think I got the wrong number. Sorry. 

Me: Okay. 

That’s it. I was disappointed because it was a wrong number. He has such nice voice. Hahaha! The whole conversation took 40 seconds thus, this is my 40 seconds love story. Okay la, I did add his number to my contact list to see if he has WhatsApp [For the sake of viewing profile picture]. And he has! So I viewed his picture and horror of horrors… He is a decent looking man with facial features similar to people whom I do not want to remember anymore. Quickly, I deleted the number from my contact list and cleared my phone calls history.

And that’s how the story ended. Sorry for the disappointment if you are hoping for anything more.

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